At this point, all that is left is me, and you, but mostly me.

So, I have been thinking: I can’t live my life in a place of constant hurt because nobody should. I am nobody. But what feeling will replace this hurt?

I look at the tapestry of our history, and how frail it has become, and I wonder, what if it happens again, and very soon?

Can it hold more?

I don’t want this feeling to rule my life or give me a headache. I feel silly that I desperately want to hold on to what I felt because those memories protect me, I saw what I wanted to see and forgot how easy love and hurt can co-exist.

I am conscious of how deeply you can hurt me and the constant reminder means that I am almost always one heartbeat away from a heartbreak.

You understand why I am still talking or writing about this, right?

I want closure, more than anything, I want clarity. I want peace and I also might want you if you are available.

This whole thing can’t be my life, it is not my life. It is just an aspect of my life that affects me deeply. I don’t care personally for what people will say, I don’t see things because things lose value. People and things don’t matter, they never had and they never will.

I want to let go and forgive. I am wondering if it isn’t too soon. I should also make you suffer and set boundaries and make demands. I should forgive you on my terms and when I feel ready, not on your own terms and the things you say. It drives me mad.

You want me to trust you again, just on your terms. You still want to control everything. I don’t know anymore. The not knowing is the core of the hurt.

I want you, not just all of you. Keep those parts that break me.